Guilt

Lately I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of guilt that I'm pregnant and so many woman that want to be aren't. I even get scared to tell people because I worry that they might be struggling and I don't want to hurt them. Mike and I go back and forth about the "facebook" announcement because I don't want anyone to feel like they just got punched in the gut when they see it. I thank the Lord for blessing me with this pregnancy and I feel so honored that he has chosen me to be a mother and I know that I really just need to get over this guilt thing. I suppose the best gift I can give anyone struggling with infertility is to not take anything for granted and do my best to enjoy the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to my pregnancy and raising our child.



Please let me know if you have or know of anyone with infertility pray request.

12 Weeks

How Far Along? 12 Weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss: Down 2

Moment of the Week: Hearing the heartbeat

Food Craving: None

Food aversions: None but have a hard time preparing raw chicken and the fridge makes me gag.

Morning sickness: Puking every morning but feel better throughout the day

Sleep: Nothing different just have to wake up to go to the bathroom more than I did before.

Gender: n/a

Belly Button: in

What I miss: Deli meat and running. I'm hoping to start feeling better in the morning so I can jog before work.

What I'm looking forward to: the end of my first trimester

Milestones:Weekly Wisdom: babies are tough

Symptoms: lots of peeing, lots of gagging, randomly vomiting :)

Layla Grace

I have, like thousands of other people, been following a little girl named Layla Grace battling stage 4 high risk neuroblastoma. Throughout her fight I've been humbled by her parents attitudes. Not only have the praised and clung to the Lord during the most challenging times of their lives they found a reason and purpose for Layla's condition. Thousands of people written to them saying Layla's story has brought them back to the Lord or has deepened their relationship with God. Imagine all the people this little 2 year old saved.

This afternoon I went to check Layla's website and couldn't log on. I figured that it was due to site traffic because something bad had happened. Unfortunately my hunch was correct. When I check Layla's twitter page it read "Layla went to play with the angels early this morning. Rest in peace precious Layla. 11/26/2007 - 3/9/2010"

I can't even pretend to imagine what this family is going through right now but I do thank them for sharing their story. If you haven't been already please be praying for Layla's parents and 2 sisters.

http://twitter.com/laylagrace

http://laylagrace.org/ (hasn't been working today due to too much traffic)

10 Weeks

How Far Along? 10 Weeks

Total Weight Gained/Loss: Nothing

Moment of the Week: Seeing our little bugger again and hearing the heartbeat for the first time.

Food Craving: None

Food aversions: None but have a hard time preparing raw chicken.

Morning sickness: No longer puking but nausea comes in waves. Nothing too horrible to handle though

Sleep: Nothing different just have to wake up to go to the bathroom more than I did before.

Gender: n/a

Belly Button: in

What I miss: cold turkey sandwiches

What I'm looking forward to: the end of my first trimester

Milestones:

Weekly Wisdom: trust your gut

Symptoms: lots of peeing, lots of gagging, randomly vomiting :)

Another Appointment

On Tuesday I had another doctors appointment. This one was finally my normal "so you're pregnant here is what you should know" kind of visit. I was also spoiled with another ultrasound!!! The little bugger was moving around and you could even see little legs kicking. The baby's heart rate was 185bpm and I am measuring right on schedule. The doctor said at this point there is a 95% chance that things will move forward. I'm finally starting to feel like this might really be happening :)

Hello March

Hello March it's nice to see you again!

Things to look forward to in March

• St. Patty's Day
• Larry P's Birthday
• Quinn's Birthday
• Mr. Brouwer's SR Birthday
• The end of my first trimester
• Snow melting (hopefully)
• Only four weekends which makes for a budget friendly month :)

Thank You Thank You Thank You

Thank you again for all of your thoughts and prays!!! They really got us through the last week of waiting.

Yesterday we had another ultrasound and everything looked PERFECT. The baby's heart rate was 160bpm and I am measuring at 8w 2d which is right on. You could even see the little legs and arms starting to form :). We finally feel like we can be excited about this pregnancy!!!!

Mike and I are waiting to make the news completely public till the end of my first trimester so if you know me in the "real world" we would love if you didn't spread the news (I would never ask you to keep anything from you husbands though).

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for all of your thoughts and prays. To everyone still waiting/trying for their miracle..... I know how hard hearing of a new pregnancy can be. You are in my prays that your day will SOON come.

Thank You

Thank you for all of your kind words and prays. They are working!!! I feel much more at peace today.

The Power of Prayer

Normally I wouldn't be revealing this so early but yesterday I went in for my second ultrasound and my baby's heart rate was still too low. My midwife warned me that something might be wrong. I have to go back in a week so they can check it again.



I really believe in the power of pray. Please be praying for us.


Look below for post I had wrote previously but didn't publish. There is one for the day I found out I was pregnant and my first Dr's appointment.

Happy Birthday Mr. Brouwers

Today is Mr. Brouwers 28th birthday! Happy Happy Happy Birthday LOVE :)

Mr. Brouwers is the best man I've ever met. He has shown me such unconditional love over the years. His patience with me never wavers and he has this uncanny ability to make me laugh when I'm on the verge of tears. His dedication and drive for success while staying in control of what is most important is something to be admired. He is cute, smart, funny, talented, kind, loving, and my favorite.

This past year during our struggles I've seen a whole new side of Mr. Brouwers, a side that has made me love him even more. He has whipped away countless tears, been to millions of doctors appointments, and has listened to my endless list of worries.

He is my rock.

He is the LOVE of my life

Love at 1st Sight - Written on 2/9/2010

Today was my 6 week doctors appointment. My midwife wanted to an ultrasound to confirm viability because of my previous loss. I've had tons of ultrasound over the last 4 months and all of them have been a big ole blank screen...well there was follicles and eggs but nothing exciting like a yolk sac and a heartbeat. Today Mr. Brouwers and I saw a heartbeat and it was love at first sight....well actually it was love as soon as I saw the second pink line on my pee stick but you know what I mean :). Unfortunately the heartbeat was at 116bpm not quite where she would like to to be so I have to go back in a week.

I just keep sending the praise up and thanking the Lord for getting me this far along.

Weekend Report

This weekend Mr. Brouwers and I traveled to my hometown to spend some time with my family. Friday night we met my parents at Five for dinner. We had never been there before and were a bit worried when we noticed that we were the ONLY people in the restaurant!!! The food turned out to be awesome and it was actually kind of nice to have a VERY quiet dinner

Saturday we headed to Zap Zone for my nephew Kevin's 10th birthday party. We played laser tag and had a blast. The kiddos wanted to play adults vs kids and of course we beat them every time. We showed no mercy. HA! After the party Mr. Brouwers and our made our way to the Somerset Collection to hit up Crate and Barrel. I can not even begin to tell you how happy this place makes me - Mr Brouwers on the other hand not -so- much. Mr. Brouwers is not a "shopper" he is a buyer and always wants to have a plan of attack. Unfortunately for him I had no idea what wanted to buy. I tried to make it as painless as possible and after only an hour we ended up with these goodies

After Somerset we relaxed at my parents house and met them at one of our families favorite Italian restaurants for dinner.

Sunday morning we took my mom out for a birthday brunch and then we headed home.

All and all it was a great weekend. Eating and family...two of my favorite things :)

Round 2- Written on 1/27

Last week Tuesday I was down in the dumps. I had taken a pregnancy test that morning and it was negative. I felt defeated and sad that the first round of Clomid didn't work for us. For some reason I had it in my head that if it didn't work the first month it just wasn't going to work at all. I sent Mr. Brouwers an email while I was at work saying that I was sad and depressed (I've never done anything like that before). He was sweet and said not to worry about cooking dinner and that we should go out. On my way home from work I had this sudden urge to go buy another pregnancy test. I had been using some cheap strip test that I purchased online and was making up stories in my head that the test must be defective or something.

When I got home I tested right away but left the bathroom and went to go play with Rocco. About 10 minutes later I was STUNNED to see two lines. I convinced myself that I was seeing two lines in my head. I sat on the couch counting the seconds down till Mr. Brouwers arrived home. As soon as he walked in the door I showed him the test and said "Am I crazy or do you see two lines too" he indeed saw two lines. We hugge, high-fived and went out to dinner to celebrate. Unfortunately there is a bit of a black cloud over our celebration...we know the reality of a seeing a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean you are going to have a baby 9 months later.

On Wednesday morning I called the doctor first thing and I went in for two rounds of blood work. My first hcg was 40 and two days later it was 123!! Now I an not so patiently waiting for our ultrasound on Feb 8th.


Side Note: I took another "cheap" test the next morning and it was still negative. I wrote the company a letter and got my money back.

Wednesday Wants

I don't think I really need to explain this one :)



I can't get the thought of lobster out of my head! Doesn't it sound yummy?!?!?!


I just got a new console table for my living room and I think this lamp would look lovely on it...plus I love all things green

Two Thumbs Down

I have been wanting the Bissell Steam Mop since we moved into our new house. My kitchen has tile floor that just isn't easy to clean and I thought the steam mop would be the answer! Yesterday Mr. Brouwers and I purchased one with some left over gift cards from Christmas and I was smiling with delight the whole way home from Best Buy. The second we walked in the door I ripped open the box, assembled it, and started "mopping" the floor. Well just like the saying goes "if it looks to good to be true it probably is" the Bissell Steam Mop bit the big one. I give this product two thumbs down! Save yourself the time and money.

One of the Million Reasons I Love Mr. Brouwers

Email from him yesterday:

I want to make my facebook status ‘I’m going to block the next person who says they’re knocked up’

No not the best attitude to have but it's nice to know he is right there with me :)

Not Gonna Lie

I'm not gonna lie to you...I've tested everyday since Saturday.





No good news to report.

Tatiana

Isn't she just the cutest thing around?!?!?! This is my niece Kennedy and she is just so sweet I could eat her up. Her first birthday is quickly approaching which is making me reflect on what a gift she has been to our family. In the beginning of 2009my Nana passed away which put a huge hole in our families heart. Kennedy quickly arrived after her death and has brought nothing but joy. I thank God for choosing us to be her family!

Also, we like to call her Tatiana

The Annoucements Have Started!!

Ohh the exciting baby announcement facebook post. They usually make me smile even if I am GREEN with envy but this last round has been a tough pill to swallow. You see it is all people that are due right around the time we were supposed to have our first baby. I hate that ttc has made me even the least bit jealous of anyone! This is not the proper emotion to have when someone is announcing the most exciting news of their lives. So from this point forward I am going to really try hard to take control of this emotion....or stop checking facebook and scanning people's profiles that I'm sure are going to make an "announcement" sometime in the near future (I swear I have a gift) :)

2 year anniversary

January 1st marked my 2 year smoke free anniversary.

Oh how I miss you - my turkish jade smokey treats. Cutting you out of my life was like leaving behind one of my closet friends. You were always there for me and got me through good times and bad. Even though we don't talk anymore I still think about you often.