Merry Christmas!!!

Mr. Brouwers and I had a wonderful Christmas filled with family and friends. All of our travels went smoothly and Rocco did not bite any of the small children....I think we can call it a success :). There was a bit of a whole in my heart when I looked at the spot in the couch were Naner was always parked and would holler "what did I get you" but then I would think of F Ada and laugh.

Christmas morning didn't start out exactly how I was hoping but hey that's life- right? I woke up and was greeted with my monthly "friend" (yeah merry freakin' Christmas). I fought back the tears the whole way to Mike's dad's house and tried to stay strong as we met Mike's step siblings new babies. Yeah just picture getting a huge let down and then sitting at a table with all MOM's. It was on one of the first times since this whole experience that I felt COMPLETELY left out at a gathering. After I had small pity party for myself I decided to pep up and enjoy my holiday, after all I did get the best gift of all the baby Jesus Christ.

"Normal"

I went to the doctors on Monday for an ultrasound and I'm told that everything looks normal.

I was hoping for a bit more of an explanation than "normal"

Let's just hope I get 2 pink lines for Christmas then I'll be satisfied with "normal" :)

Mr. Brouwers

Mr. Brouwers doesn't like that I call him Mr. Brouwers on my blog but I think it sounds HOTT and it makes me giggle a little everytime I write it. Sorry Mike!

Thankful

Mr. Brouwers and I had a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving. We had dinner with Mike's family at his grandmothers house. On Friday my sister and family came to visit which was a blast! The rest of the weekend Mr. Brouwers and I enjoyed each others company and went out to a delicious dinner!

This year I am in a much different place than I anticipated but am SO thankful.

Top 10 things I was/am thankful for in 2009.

1. I am so thankful that we were able to sell our home in just 90 days in this economy

2. I am thankful for my beautiful new home.

3. I am thankful for Isabelle Mae - Betsy and Paul's perfect little girl that joined us in September

4. I am so thankful for my healthy family.

5. Kennedy Elizabeth my niece that was welcomed to the world in Feb. She has been such a blessing to our family when we really needed it!

6. My Uncle Danny was able to purchase my Nana's home (the home he grew up in) and I am so thankful this worked out for him

7. This year I learned how amazingly supportive my friends are and I am so thankful for them!

8. My Nana passed away in January in the most beautiful peaceful way and I could not be more thankful for that.

9. I thankful for my stable job.

10.Most of all I am thankful for my amazing husband. I lucked out with this guy :)

Why NOT me?

Yesterday after happy hour with a few girlfriends I came home and cornered Mr. Brouwers on the couch. I started crying and asking all those questions with no answers “why me?” and then I followed it with a “it’s not fair” and he of course responded by pretty much telling me that I was being irrational (which I was) but that was the LAST thing I wanted to hear.

In the light of day I know that I was being irrational and pretty much ALL my thoughts around my miscarriage and ttc are irrational.

It’s only being 8 months since we started this journey.

25% of pregnancies end in a miscarriage

There are people that have been TRYING for years and still don’t have their miracle – Who am I to complain?

As the next few months are going to be very telling about our journey to parenthood I am going to try my hardest to ask the question “Why NOT me” what makes me more deserving of a perfect pregnancy story than the next desperate person trying to conceive. And if I learn this road is going to be a long and bumpy one I will try to hardest to say “why NOT me” because after all He has a plan and I will try my hardest to use Him to make greatness out of whatever is handed to me.

Why NOT me?

Someone to Talk to

I have a great family, amazing friends, and Mr. Brouwers is one of the sweetest people I know. With that being said I have decided I need another outlet for all my TTC thoughts so people don’t start screening my calls or run and hide when they see me strolling the isles at Target. So here it is my outlet, a cheesy blog were I can whine to cyberspace and my loved ones and strangers can read if they CHOOSE.

TTC UPDATE: Last week I went to the doctors to discuss my concerns about my m/c and my cycle. So the blood work begins….as soon as my cycle starts again. I’m anxious, excited, and scared but mostly I’m just sick of waiting. I know anyone dealing with IF would laugh at my last statement “waiting she doesn’t KNOW what waiting is” and truly makes me respect you all more than you can imagine but i still feel like I have been waiting forever.

The Screen Went Blank

Mr. Brouwers and I have been trying to have a baby for months....7 to be exact. 7 may seem like nothing but to a woman that is desperate to see those two little lines it feels like a lifetime. The day that we saw "Pregnant" flash up on the digital test was exciting yet so unbelievable. We both cautiously celebrated and shared with people that we felt needed to know. A few days later I noticed my beautiful "Pregnant" test went blank. Little did I know that this was a sign of what was to come.

Here a lay empty...babyless...sad